Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
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