Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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