Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
