I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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