...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
