The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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