we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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