she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
