I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
