Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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