I can tuck mytits in my pants
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
