Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
