Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
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You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
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The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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