My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
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She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
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