But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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