he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
