You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
