you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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