Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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