She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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