the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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