the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
