Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
