I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
