Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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