I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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