Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
