Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
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I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
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Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.