You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid