I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you had me at cake vodka
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
