So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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