Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You took a bar mat shot.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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