When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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