I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
