he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
