id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
