I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
