she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
