I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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