Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bring me that man meat
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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