I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
