Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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