what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
