Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
