Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
