This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
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I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
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She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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