Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
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Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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