And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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