The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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