i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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