Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
