Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
