so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
