I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
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I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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